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<\/span>I am suffering because of You. Sounds familiar? Have you ever blamed someone in life? The words that emanate from our mouth reflect our internal beliefs. What comes from our mouth also impacts our beliefs.<\/p>\n
One of the biggest myth (or trap) that a person could spend his entire life living is this: To think or believe that someone else is the cause of our feelings. How can I know if I am trapped in this is to pay a closer attention to the words that we speak\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI am poor at taking decisions because of my upbringing\u201d \u201cI go to work because I have to\u201d \u201cI hit him because he was abusing me\u201d \u201cI lied because my husband asked me to\u201d \u201cI started smoking because of my friends\u201d \u201c I am upset because he did not call me\u201d \u201cI am angry because my son ignores me\u201d \u201c I took leave from work because of bad weather\u201d \u201cI hate going to work but I go because I am a single mother\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>
All these sentences reflect one common phenomenon: Denial of personal responsibility. Someone else is the cause of my feelings and actions. Have a closer look at these sentences: Either it\u2019s my upbringing, or my external circumstances, or someone else\u2019s abuse, my husband, my friends, him, son, weather, etc<\/p>\n
One drawback of \u2018blame\u2019 is the belief that to bring a change would be initiated only when someone outside of me (either the other person or circumstance) would change. How would taking responsibility of one\u2019s feelings look like? Is it an another burden on head? Responsibility in this context means response+ability i.e the ability to respond. Responsibility is thus liberating and empowering. It is to accept one\u2019s roles in what\u2019s happening in my life. It is to take decision from a place of choice and values than from the place of blame and reacting.<\/p>\n
One tool to instantly implement this is to start framing the<\/p>\n
sentence in first person.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am poor at taking decisions because of my upbringing\u201d \u2014 \u201cI am poor at taking decision because I haven\u2019t spend time learning the process of decision making\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI go to work because I have to\u201d \u2014\u2014- \u201c I go to work because I value financial stability\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hit him because he was abusing me\u201d \u2014\u2013\u201c I hit him because I was upset upon hearing him\u201d , \u201cI hit him because I haven\u2019t learned to expressed myself in other ways\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI lied because my boss asked me to\u201d \u2014\u2013\u201cI lied because I did not want to get fired\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI started smoking because of my friends\u201d \u2014\u2013\u201cI started smoking because I want to be liked and accepted by my friends\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c I am upset because he did not call me\u201d \u2014\u2013 \u201c I am upset because I was expecting a call\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c I took leave from work because of bad weather\u201d \u2014\u2014 \u201cI took leave from work because I wanted safety and comfort\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate going to work but I go because I am a single mother\u201d \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u201c I hate going to work but I go because I need financial support for my family.\u201d<\/p>\n
What then is actual cause of our feeling if it\u2019s not other people behavior? Do they have no role at all? They may definitely be triggers for the same but they are not actually the cause. Cause is my own needs. Cause is my way of receiving their response. Cause is my lack of learning and growth. Instead of blaming, there are other choices that are available to us.<\/p>\n
This is not to say that there is no such thing as abuse. That definitely has its role and legal ways to deal with it. Still even as \u2018victim\u2019 we have choices to make in the present and a future to live. Blaming is resignation. It\u2019s the deception that for change to occur, something \u2018outside\u2019 of me must change. Change begins from me. Focusing on circle of influence : Me. I can stay empowered in each circumstances.<\/p>\n
So next time, pay a closer attention to the words that you speak. It affects your beliefs. Pay a closer attention to belief. That would determine the words that you speak.<\/p>\n
Your Servant
\nPremanjana Das
\nISKCON Punjabi Bagh<\/p>\n<\/div>